Getting used to it.

Things have changed a as I write todays blog. Somewhere I wonder why I never write so much about it, also why I have never mentioned it. But again I really can't write it. Its a public blog.

No more running out receiving calls, no more eyes waiting on the cell phone display, No more interest in picking up the phone now- I sound as if I have lost my cellphone. lol.

But I'm hanging on.

Till then I have to do a lotta stuff.

Influenza

I have attempted to start this blog with a million lines, none of it looking good and none of it meaning what I really feel like writing. This is TAKE 15:

Year after year, change from a school to college, from college to professional places of work, have all taught me new things, made me learn myself, and lately I learnt something new about myself- My subservience...

There are some who know they can be influential and some who are no great shakes. I don't blame anyone for directing others on what's right or what's wrong. I don't blame anyone for circumscribing a definite set of convictions they feel is important for people to follow. I don't cry and crave all my life waiting for a helping hand to tell me why 'this and that' is happening in my life. I simply don't wait for stuff to happen. It happens.

I don't need a list of do's and don’ts to make me like someone. I don't need price banners and name-tags to rate people as wanted or unwanted. I don't see a self-stereotyped image in front of me waiting just for me to come and judge it. I don't hate someone and like them the next moment just because they did something that fell in my "do's" list. I don't like someone because they mentioned a few good words and hate them the next moment because they did something in my "don’ts" list.

It's pretty easy to be influential but it’s hard to require an influence.
It's not as easy as it looks.

I have been a rigid one when it comes making myself understand. Never had the guts to say what I want to, always been trying to make others comfortable- some who are influential and some no great shakes. It has indeed been my fault. My subservience. I don't really ask for compliance with me. Neither have I felt small in front of anyone, as the simple saying goes I am what I am. I was never this before, I was everything but distressing on simple small matters. Now I get thinking. Why??


Am I stupid? Does anyone even know me? Do I need a miracle to support me on something I wish, that someone is there? Will I always be the same me- nodding my head to what people say and following them so that everything is simple? Will I always look for a way without reason to show someone I am something too? Will I keep trying hard not to be me but everyone else around me so that one starts looking at me differently? Why doesn't doing something on my own make me feel proud? Why do I feel I'm nothing when I'm me? Does not writing what I really believe and writing what I see make all the difference for me? Will making others understand and does showing them I care makes everyone forget I need it the most? Do I need a conscience which is my best friend? Do I need to show the world that I'm something when I'm actually not? Do I have to confide in others to know about myself? I hope no one reads this part because I don't have the guts and understanding to answer these questions.
I am nothing but NOTHING.

There is a desire to shift towards something to change for the better. I don't need that desire. I intend to call it as synonymous with a disease, Influenza, because we have to learn to stand for ourselves. No one's your friend here. I despise those who think it's their world to make and break. Be yourself.

I need to be more of me now. It's time!
(P.S.- the last thing I wanted was this in yellow)

Mission succesful!

Thats what the Brownie cake seemed like and it was yum yum!!!
whoopieeeeeee

Anyways...lots been happenin lately. My cousins were over frm Mumbai and the whole week it was madness...late nights, open cards, housie....etc etc....
Missing Neha a lot!

Saw this Lindsay Lohan movie...I know who killed me. The effect? I couldn't even remember the name of the movie 2 hrs after watching it. It was pretty decent in the first half but I got lost in the second. Then came the time for a night out with two silent boxes...hmmph. No comments.

I wanna go shopping so bad...I'm rich these days!! hehe and its a sale season too....what else do I need. company!!!!!!! anyone interested????

I'd rather calm down now...and maybe come up with something better to write next time...

*yawn* seeya!!!

Happy Birthday Mommy!!!

I wanted to write the same song for her that I wrote before from TZP but its just a li'l too senti....n I don't wanna make myself and her cry!!

I am planning to bake her chocolate chip brownies, which I have never ever attempted to bake ever, they'll either be bad or they'll burn...lol. It's worth a try! She's high on sugar so she doesn't really get much of the sweet to eat...so I thought what the hell its her birthday and she loves brownies.

I just hope they bake well and yummy.....

AB KYA??

Have your hands ever ached after writing a 3 hour long exam?

It was freakin freezin cold on the 21st and writing non ishhtop and on top of that the silly invigilater couldn't even close the damn door....idiot!

But its over....thats what means the most.

Uske Baad...

I've been reading a bunch of frontlines, really wanna score well in the International relations exam from JNU- Ive kinda dreamed to be working in one of the embassies- seems too silly a saying right now but thats how it will begin. Aussie open is one of the fav things right now - Just saw this amazing player beat the number 2 seed, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga- gosh how amazing does he play!!

I wanna see him pound down Federer...eh!!!

Blogs? Ah well its been so long since I've written and even now nothing specific is on ma mind, I'm just writing and writing..

Most of all....

Lately, after being intimidated by the number of books we have read in our college times (even my college is goin to get past in another 3 months, how tht scares me to death) , me n Neha have suddenly got interested by them all over again- she has bought quite a number of em and has cutely laid em down in her bookshelf above her bed, makes you wanna read em more and buy em more....I'm serious!!!

But apart from that I think books are the most knowledgeable things, you can learn so much and it almost never makes you go outta touch of literature. Enough said.

Anyways I'm gonna start off with the bestseller now, heard so much about it and I hope I do read it with full interest. I have a bad habit of starting a novel and stopping it and starting it all over. The book is:

It isn't yet too late to read it, the second one is out too A Thousand Splendid Suns. Will read it after this one.

But the big question is still in my head. What now? Ab kya? what after 3 yrs of graduation are over.????

I'll be running mad soon!!!

Till then

Cya

02:48

That's the latest I've been wide awake for studying and I guess haven't ever studied beyond that..yeah even for boards!! Boards were useless. I think the real knowledge lies in reading literature and what comes in spiriting your mind with 'knowledge' is beyong words.

I have learnt a lot from literature, its so soothing at times- it tells you the most complicated of things in the simplest ways and sometimes beautifully. Sons and Lovers By Lawrence will be i think one of the best I've read till date and ofcourse Jane Eyre.

I was reading Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf that day, its not as bad as it seems and is hyped but takes a lot. I had no time to really finsh it since its just 4 days to exam time so fatafatfatafat..i had to finish it....i'll read it again after exams. But I took out this time to note down a few lines in my small blue diary about a solitary traveller, his motive and why does he wish to be ....a solitary traveller.

By conviction an atheist perhaps, he is taken by surprise with moments of extraordinary exaltation. Nothing exists outside us except a state of mind, he thinks; a desire for solace, for relief, for something outside, these miserable pigmies, these feeble, these ugly, these craven men and women.
Mrs Dalloway- Virginia Woolf

I loved this part!!!

I didn't exactly mean to dedicate a blog to literature but thats my state of mind these days...i don't wanna come outta the pile of books right now, I wanna enjoy it....

man I suck!!!

later... till I'm back in senses.

I cried...

I can't explain how I loved this film....

The emotions touched me deeeeep inside and I couldn't control my tears.

MAA...

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin

Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa

Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin

Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa

Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa

Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

Bheed Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe

Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa

Bhej Na Itna Door Mujkko Tu

Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa

Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa

Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa

Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe

Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa

Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe

Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa

Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin

Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa

Chehre Pe Aana Deta Nahin

Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa

Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai na Maa

Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa

Bbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Mannn this colddd!!!

My hands are jammmed and m tremblinggg...
Its so weird eh...we all get fed up of delhi summers and wait for december cold and then we want the sun to be back!!..
I love winters but its too lazyy- feel like sittinng in the blanket getting warm..aahhh! dun even feel like gettin up for business...hehehe!!!

I guess the lowest has been 3.2 degree sumthin.....gives me the chillsss

Anyways it was last day of college today before the winter vacations and exams...gonna hv to tk a break frm all the blogging, internet (tho im not online as often as i used to be 2-3 yrs bak) and start studying hard...its the final yr afteralll!!!
But my stupid college people-- still gotta go on saturday for some form filling stuff....
Got my college sweatshirt..its coool!..will put up a pic of it soon..not too much of a flaunty stuff- its a darn bhagat singh sweatshirt..HA!!! stilll!!!

my hands are frozen now
tata!!...*aaaachhhoooooo*
and my nose!!!

A pretentious act!

First of all Thanks to Fattebaaz.com.

I have won an award, for the first time, for my blog dated 10th December. the badge is on the right side.

A few acknowledgements (the only non-pretentious part in here)

Prtaik Sir- for pushing us/me to not only think outta the box but outta the world, for inculcating a bona fide way of looking at things, and the most of all respecting literature.

Prof. Subhash Chandra- whose story turned lecture interested me that day.

John Milton's Paradise Lost- in a tiny way

My Phone dictionary which helps me when I'm almost on the verge of drowning myself when I don't even know the basics in Literature during my lectures by professors who at one point of time were expecting 'something' outta us.

Neha- who is highly annoyed by her office environment so I thought she could try it out on her boss.

And those who have tagged me.

Felix Culpa

Sometimes theres something in your head that keeps moving and never stops and then you know that you are confused- highly confused.

We learn from our wrong doings and that is why life is nice. Its worth it.
We all commit sins, mistakes, blunders etcetra but it gets redeemed. The circle of life gets complete then. We all should do things that makes ourselves feel good about it without regrets, without caring even a bit what the 'world' says. We'll fall but we'll know the fall was meant to be. We'll stand back again and one day we won't regret looking back.

I wish Life was a Movie.
As in....you know sumthin like...
Take just one day outta your daily routines and decide that today you'll be yourself. Don't care what your boss says, what your colleagues say, what your friends say and who so ever it may be. Live that day for yourself.

Don't like what your boss is wearing- say it on his/her face.
A showroom? say some designer dude, look at his clothes and say "what the fuck is this so heavily priced for, i can probably get sumthin done in 1/4th of the price and it'll look better".
Walked into your ex? Abuse (hindi gaali plzz strictly) or maybe spill coffee even better!!
Saw your worst enemy?? ask him watsup??? (this'll kill him)

This sounds so easy huh? Well play at your own risk...hehe
I wished its as easy to do as it sounds?
My point is just live one day according to yourself, nobody else's bloody business!!

Well, Anyways...filmi stuff over.
My professor had a different mood today, he talked of his love, his marriage, his son and his daughter-in-law (who he specifically called his daughter). He seemed to be so much satisfied with his life. He told us how he proposed his wife. How he asked her out for his very first date.

This man is now on a verge of retirement by early next year. And how he still blushed when he talked, taking his glasses off and cleaning them with his handkerchief after every minute- it was spotless clean but still.
He told us to do something nice, sweet just outta the blue for once.

I'm sure he is a very nice human being.

We all are getting Bhagat singh, DU sweatshirts soon, after all these years of cribbing and mourning over college life we finally became a lil connected to our dear college. its costing us but we decided to buy it. And we are gonna have a 'Jersey day' in college!

I think third year has finally come out with creativity.

later.

I have no words for a title right now...

I have a rush inside me, the same that was there an year and months ago, but this time it means something too big to let it go away...


Aaoge jab tum o saajana
angana phool khilenge
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoomke

do dil aise milenge

chanda ko taaku raaton mein
hai zindagi tere haathon mein
palkon pe jhilmil taarein hain
aana bhari barsaaton mein
sapnon ka jahaan, hoga khila khila
barasega saawan, barsega saawan
jhoom jhoomke

do dil aise milenge

Lots has to be done, lots has to line up, lots has to be thought but before all that I just wanna say one thing to myself- theres no point in tormenting myself, I'm not a kid anymore that some thing will ruin me and my career and studies (it's not something though).


A voice inside me wants to shout on top of its voice


"DON'T GO"!!!!


This time I think its my conscience...
But that'll be selfish of me so I should be happy....


There has been so much I have wanted to write in here, but let that just be...for now this is all I have to say, let it all remain trapped inside me..


For Me and that part of me!!

Ugh!

Computer went bonkers, examz overhead, no-mood-for-internet, blah blah blah....

Y'know whats the height of frustration- now, when you realise that exams are just 5-6 days away and you FINALLY start preparing only to find out they are postponed- shitheads!!!

Its not confirmed but 99% they'll be in Jan...just great!!! ruin your new year and your holidays and your mind!!!!

English lectures have got interesting these days- there's this amazing new teacher who teaches us, the one who everyone has got the hots for!! he he he!!
he ain't a good looking guy or sumthing but theres definitely something in the way he teaches he is just outstanding!!!! he knows EVERY-tiny-THING!!!!
he should have been teaching in Harvard or something, whats he doing in bhagat singh (said with emphasis)....umm not to miss his contagious-comma-killer-comma-wicked smile. lol. (enough Priyanka)

Things had been really messy for me lately, everythings fine now, I'm really happy...
There are still some things left to be thought about..ahh i don't wanna get into all that now- enough's been on me!!

I want this year to end on a 'really' happy note- its the last year of college I have no damn idea what would the next year bring, where would I be and what the hell would I be doing. Suddenly it feels you've been stranded and told to live on your own- ALONE! (psychologically). The tough part begins now. I mean no kidding I'm 20 for god sakes that really means something. ( i know i just can't get enough of the brooding).

Life's getting so sad!

booHoo

Something new

It all got so monotonous so I decided to change...contemplation was so cliched so I thought deliberations could bring out something new. The template is also changed and the comments thing is back and the cbox is gone...blah blah---its an outcome of boredom plus a reason to break out of lethargy.

Anyways,
Its the start of winter- I love them, the fog the warm sweaters and jackets and shoes and coffee mugs and blankets. Its all so amazing. Time is flying man!!!
I really have to pace up with my novel now- theres hardly time left and not even done halfway through it.
Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrence, I think only literature students get to read stuff like this. But I like it- its about family, about love and Oedipus complex.
It sometimes delights me to be a literature student, its gives you an edge. Your critque level increases and you start finding the smallest of doubts in everything you see. You start thinking how better something can get. You start speaking splendid words in the normal spoken language, you get to read the popular stuff. And you'll come across a lotta Williams- there'll be atleast one William in every novel or play. You'll start relating yourself to the characters. You'll abuse Shakespeare at least once.

My internals are less than a month away now and soon there'll be the externals and soon BANG...end of my college. I'm not cribbing because, well, I have spent the last 3 yrs brooding to why am I in this college? But then friends and the fun will be missed - I guess thats what college is about. Shradha told me a few days ago that I changed her- in a good way! I felt soo happy...I wanted to tell her that she changed me too. She taught me that being a bitch sometimes is GOOD...and yes it is!!! Not that I'm a bitch or she's a bitch but when we have to We should always be one. She taught me to be real- that's when my melodrama cracks out and I become over-sensitive. I taught her to be equal to what people do to you.

Oedipus Complex is basically a crap theory if you read it or listen to it but in literal meanings its an art of writing a novel and understanding lOVE- in whichever form it maybe. its all about acceptance.
Remember in Dil Chahta Hai when Sid slaps Akash because he made fun of Sid's love with a woman who's the age of his mother. That's okay.
Oedipus is about a love between a mother and son, its an obsession of a mother for her son that she never lets any girl enter his life.
thats what happens in Sons and Lovers. Paul, the son, is in love with a girl Miriam but the presence of the tension on his mothers face due to this breaks him down and he can't confess his love for Miriam.

He did not know himself what was the matter. He was naturally so young, and their intimacy was so abstract, he did not know he wanted to crush onto his breast to ease the ache there. He was afraid of her. The fact that he might want her as a man wnats a woman had in him been supressed into shame. When she shrank in her convulsed, coiled torture from the thought of such a thing, he had winced to the depths of his soul. And now this 'purity' prevented even their first love kiss. It was as if she could scarcely stand the shock of physical love, even a passionate kiss, and then he was too shrinking and sensitive to give it............

after one paragraph...

.......he hated her, for she seemed, in some way, to make him despise himself.

To how it hurts when both of them know they are in love but the strangeness of love is such that it can't always allow you to rise. Love has its own principles.

I watched Dil dosti etc. its a different thing altogether, a bold thing....but I liked what it teaches.
One lives for Love, one dies for Love. Both ways the Love has different meanings. But in the end we hear from Apurv (the casanova) that he missed Vaishali the most (the prostitute).

Love is mystical.

All 'that' stuff...

My brain doesnt bother to move a step ahead and think more these days, all its stuck on is my future- which seems to be in the dark. I think all my blogs and my talks sound the same and thats why most of the listeners around me yawn pretty often. My useles head has given up thinking...and I have become boring. Waise when it comes to speaking, I'm quite unstoppable, I remember people used to say to me 'tu chup kab rehti hai', though that was back in school, now I'm a lil quieter than the usual me. Speaking is fun.

Diwali's gone..gone..gone. you know suddenly everything becomes so quiet n all but this diwali was fun and I became rich on bhaiya dooj and since then I have a smile on my face. money talks baby!!
There are some super fundu people bothering me these days- actually they aren't, but I just feel like that there existence is quite enough a botheration to me, though I'm not exactly in touch with them but they deserve to KNOW what I can do. This is actually not too much of a deal to me but eh I'm hell bored today.

I have fallen in deep love----with my phone and that too after getting a super cool software in it- ahmm its a dictionary and a thesaurus and its better than my big fat dictionary. lame? so?? i love it. hehe
I mixed up the meaning of pretentious and precarious today. They don't really have anything in common except for the letter p.

I dunno what am I so hyper abt???!!??

ah... ingepo (tamil gudbye i suppppose)

Try Saying This Rapidly and Continuously:

Cheap ship trip.

^_^

In happiness, in pain, in love, in agony and in "whatever".

The first year of happy blogging completed.
Aaaaaaand its been good. No, Grrreat!!
Afterall Li'l Miss Priyanka could do something.

Initially writing down something on broadband, which, by the way, the whole world could see, was too much an ordeal for me (not that they were waiting.blah.). I plunged myself into a pretentious mission and made a blog. Well, here it is, not any different than the scraps I used to have in a torn diary but only better. Those tit bits are now fit into a well formulated blog. I enjoy writing, reading and I enjoy what it brings into me. It tells me that I can be better, teaches me that I can be good and worse at the same time which is good in its own way. It makes me hang on to the memories which might just get lost in my brain otherwise. Its anyways full of gibberish. It gives me strength to be creative.

The BOTTOMLINE:
I'm a happy blogger.

So here goes a cheers to, uh- well, me and my blog!

Now, Don't you call that a SMILE!!!

I feel like I'm in 7th std. again- the way I got crazy for a Hrithik when he was new.

But just to console myself I look at this guys face and then say "bahut ho gaya". You know Im a grown up now. But just loook at him. where do you have such guys? he should be preserved sumwhere just to be looked at. Masha-allah!

I told Mom yesterday to find me husband like him..hehe...n she was like you are crazyy!!...lol

Anyways- I saw Jab we met. Its a crazzzzyyy movie. very cute. Kareena is looking good. even Shahid for tht matter. He's been himself for the first time.

The music of saawariya is soo soothing. also hear the song in jab we met called tumse hi...its beautiful and much better if you're in love!

Tumse hi din hota hai

surmayi shaam aati hai

tumse hi tumse hi....

FUCK title!!!!

Why is life reminding me everyday thats its gonna be hell out there....
I just wanna cry...mannn what the hell am I supposed to do. Lately I realised that whats the harm in being a lecturer?? isn't it? wont it be cool?

I love English but do I love it to that extent? And would I (in extra capital bold) be doing an M.phil n Phd??? ( ha ha )

• Journalism has gone down the drain
• MBA is like the only thing that "pays".
• PG courses have lost value. read the above line again.

What else

• UK is too expensive.
• USA needs 16 years of Education, We Indians just have 15.
• Australia is just desperate. period.

So, I just wanna saw WOW....

Before anyone gets hypercritical....(even me for tht matter)

The blog below is a slaughter... It usually comes out when Im in total loss of words along with an uncontrallable need to write something!!!

Enjoy, if u can!

I have no clue to what the following is about....

I never feel I can take a decision by myself, a mature decision. I feel like no matter how old I keep growing up I am still stuck with a mind of a 13 yr old. Feels like Im retarted at some level. It seems that there could never be a time when I throw my hands up in the air and say " that's the way it should be". Seems that there has to be a militariatic regime that I have to follow (I don't even know if that's a word). It's time I learnt I could do something, Be something/one. I have tried, to be something different with a motto or maybe i wanna say motive here, whatever. Things that I do are too easy. Watching TV is easy, eating a big bowl of popcorn is easy, thinking of what to wear next day is eas--at times--y, thinking of what next for getting angry is easy. Writing a blog, who no one really cares about by the way, is easy.

Doesn't seem like fun now does it?

I think I need to go bungee jumping, or skydiving or something...

Sometimes life takes hold of one, carries the body along, accomplishes one's history, and yet is not real, but leaves one's self as it were slurred over.

~~Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrence