Be Positive!!! ya right!

I remember that day clearly when my 3rd year at Delhi University was about to end. My final term was almost there, I was totally hysterical because I needed to score a good percentage and I needed a plan! Unlike most people, or maybe LIKE most people I had never known what I am going to be when I grow up. I used to say I'll be Steffi Graph at one point of time. LOL. I also remember saying I want to be a Receptionist. God I was so ambitious.

So me and dad sat down thinking and he told me to go ahead with the course at this Scottish University which seemed amazingly apt to what I wanted to do in life. Now all I needed was a good percentage!

I had got my result and the ecstasy I had in my mind was limitless because I was going to UK !!! Uni was cool in Scotland but after that 1 and a half years of staying here, the same ecstasy has died! I don't get it-- what is so good about UK? especially for an Indian? you go out, you find the same people but just behaving retarded (In my dictionary: Indians who behave British are retarded) and if you're lucky you'll see a couple of Gora people somewhere in the crowd who look as if they are tourists in their own country. So, I get back to my question: what is so great about UK?

So what am I doing here, If these are my thoughts!??! To be honest, there are some things you get used to here and you like it, but that's not my point. I love some certain specific things about this place, but details later.

I am here because I paid this country loads of money on my overpriced study and then my overly-overpriced Visa. So I am not going back until they return my money. I am an Indian for God sake!

Random Fact: Do you know if Indian students don't come here, half of these Gora's wont even get their salaries...poor people.

I think this is what unemployment does to me....

Assumption approved.

Well, what do you know, moments later as I press "Publish Post" my computer crashed! And believe me when my computer crashes, life is a fullstop. I'm like what do I do? So I have done something now to get it to work atleast and I am trying my best to keep it alive and going.

Social life = facebook and my laptop

thats about it.

Anyway, Just want to thank Upasana! (she knows why) You're a sweetheart. I know life is just showing its true colours to me but sometimes people assume we are doing just great when they see our smiles on Facebook. But I'm a warrior!

You should come to London, fuck US.

hehe!

well, I hope its easy to reboot your computer. I haven't done it before.

What happens next...

And so I am back to my blog when everything seems to have turned away from me and I have nothing to do. I love updating statuses on Facebook, but I hate admitting to the somewhat 200 friends I have on FB that I am having a bad time. I somehow like to project only cooler things on facebook- I admit, I'm a big flaunter.

Well, I'm not typically in a worst case scenario right now but I'm also not exactly happy.

1. Away from family
2. Missing the festivals (this is not a worthy point to be in this list though, n yet its no. #2)
3. Unemployed and Cashless
4. Stuck in London (which still means that I hate this city)
5. The most expensive city
6. Wanting to go back but have no effin clue why I am still here.
7. Staying in a crappppppppppy house, with the crappiest of people
8. Well, this could be an infinite list.

Facebook has become my only sense of social interaction these days with Farmville and Cafe World doing up a bit to keep me "involved". I sit in my box room the rest of the time and watch random shit on my laptop, which I am assuming would crash any day (touchwood!).

I sometimes wonder, Am I a bad person? I talk to myself some days and figure out things I have done in the past, do they really make a difference for your future? Does Karma really work? There are so many people I know who are successful and HAPPY in their life, and get everything they want, just like that! why??? HOW??? WHY?? I know cursing them won't help really but I need clarification.

I called up Sahil a few hours ago and told him about my stupid interview in London and he was like Awww don't cry don't be sad. I wasn't crying and neither was I sad. For the first time in my life I think I might've showed him that "I CAN take shit!" attitude of mine. I told him what'll happen if I cry, no ones going to come running up with a job for me. The whole world is trying so I'll join em and TRY.

I am tired of trying. And I am not even anticipating on what happens next!

bleeaurghhh!!!!

He's an 'it'!!!!

A lot has happened between this post and the previous one, which I really can not open up here, I will need a private post for that. But anyway, about the title. It came up when me and my housemates were having lunch a couple of days back in the hall, taking out free time out of our exams, and we were looking at Mark's (the Chinese guy) class picture. He was so upset with exams and his professor that when I asked who's he, he said, Noo he's not a he, he's an 'it'. I wondered for two minutes but then I laughed out loud with the immense sense that he had just made., somehow. At times he is just too funny and the way he speaks is just too typical of Chinese people speaking English. But he's a sweet guy.

The other day he was teaching me all the bad words in Chinese, hehe. So he goes what do you call a 'hybrid human' in Hindi??? And I am like what the hells a hybrid human, haha. But aah it was a scientific term for a 'छक्का' hahahah!!!

I am still working on my new blog, which will come up in a few days, it is also going to be a little related to my course so if u get bored, don't blame me. I have indeed become a little lame in writing ever since I have come here. Also, my term is going to end in another 3 and a half months from now, then I am going back home....yay!!!!!!!!! but also I will miss this place, sob sob. i just have tooooo many memories here. It has been the best year of my life i guess.

I'll save some stuff for later.
adios

And So it was....

After much contemplation and some weird face making, I realised that my blog has gone for a toss. It has lost its charm (well, I am self-supposing that it had some before!!), it has become too random, it has become too summarized and I have become lazy! Each time I come up with an excuse and say I'll write often and soon, blah-la-blah, I just can't!!

ugh!

Sooo I sat thinking and came up with a first fused, then blinking and then a shattering bulb idea. Why not start afresh and make a new blog!! I won't delete this one and neither will stop writing in it. Umm lets just keep this one for nonsense!! But now I have lost track of all my comment-people. So I don't know if thats a bright idea!!!

Sigh

So life seems to be running now, 8 months have gone, lots changed, I changed, people changed!!! I took some decisions I should have taken ages ago, but sometimes it feels blank!!!

I have also changed my Dissertation topic, its more 'political'....

and lets say i'll say all about it on my blog, err new blog!!! I hope some people reply there, otherwise my dissertation will never work!!!!! puhleeezzzz-with cherry on top...ok and a chocolate nut too!!

YAwwwwwwwwwwn...m lazy again!! I'm sure its all pumping up eh?!!

Roobaru Roshni!!!!!!!!!! ( I don't know why I wrote this title)

Ha, another post, late late late....crap!!

Anywayy, well the weather is getting so awesome here, touch wood!! love the sun....Ive been shopping as is if the world is in recession because I have stolen their money....bad liner but thats what i am doing..ugh!!

The other day I was in M&S, checking out some shoes (awesome by the way, just a lil ahead of budget) so I was wearing em and loving myself in the mirror, so this old lady (very cute) walked up and said, they look fabulous!!!! I smiled and said thank you, she said, well...some years ago I used to run around in them when I was young, enjoy them all you can!!!! I smiled and sat thinking (No I still did not buy them) and wondered how life is running. We are all indeed waiting for Godot!!!!!! Why is life so short???

Otherwise, Life is the same, I am dying to get back home, just wanna chill and enjoy the free 2 months I am ever going to get now, coz then begins the tough hard life with hours and hours of slogging and getting paid for it (well thats one consolation) and then the whole life will be spent doing that! Why IS life so short????

We have had some awesome partying in the last 2-3 weeks and I am sure next week is on since its Gautams birthday. I so wanna chill here and enjoy my time to the most before I start into the slogging mode. I wanna freak out!!!! but I also desperately need a job....!!! phew

But most importantly, people who are reading this I seriously need your help. if anyone is interested in being interviewed by me for my dissertation for a short time please leave a comment and your details where I can contact you, email or telephone. Pretty please!!!!!

Anyway, short blog, useless in a way also nonsense but what a relief....I'll write another one soon....its about some shhhhh people here.....they get on my nerves...JLT...nuthin much though...

chao!!!

Spring Semester

My blog is upset because I don't visit often now, I have got so busy with nothing here that I have forgotten one of the most important thing in my life. Well after all we always take our loved ones for granted don't we? Because others are not worth it eh!!!

Its almost spring here, which means, more sunshine, more daylight and more beautiful mornings. I hated when it used to get dark at 3 in the afternoon, it became so dead, now we get 4 minutes of more daylight each day and soon it will start getting dark at 10-11 in the night. wow. exciting!! This place is so pretty that i love walking here, no matter how long the distances are and I put on some nice music and walk to the uni and back, i love walking alone. Here, we greet everyone and anyone on the street with a sweet smile, which is amazing. We say "cheers" whenever someone does something nice, which is so common. Its lovely. I love this place, its my city, for now. But aah well India rules and Delhi Rocks!!!!

Anyway, this semester is kinda nice, I like the modules and the teachers and I don't sleep in lectures atleast. Also I have started thinking about my Dissertation which is a major deal here and I need all you Bloggers' help. If you guys are reading, please help me in my Dissertation coz my topic for dissertation is 'Blogging Life: Public versus the Personal'. I'll post up questions (not any sooner but sometime later in April or something), and it'll be of great help if you guys reply, to help me complete it. thanks.

So, whats new is that I am back to being friends with Shradha- the one I kept mentioning as my 'loser friend' from college.LOL. But aah what the hell, she was/IS my friend anyway, hehehe. We patched up and forgave each other. Sometimes its not worth losing some people in life, they remain forever with you, somewhere somehow. She won't really like this para as she will be expecting some back with a bang kinda thing. ha ha. Nah I'm not giving you that!!!

I've been reading Khaled Hosseini's 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'. Its amazing. Couldn't be anything better following his first book which was more than amazing. Its recommended to all book lovers. Also, try listening to this song 'Jason Mraz- I'm yours'. Very happy song.

I gossipped a lot about a few things today, some serious stuff. Some things that were supposed to be given a thought. It was about 'people', about how they behave and how they expect and about how they become judgmental for no reason. I think I have become sensible, for me atleast. Some amazing people have taught me a lot and have raised me up here. One of them is my housemate- Rainer. He's a great guy!!! There are loads of other people to the list, will be mentioned as time comes.

Gotta go sleep, have early lecture tomorrow. Boring!!

later

ciaah

Exciting...

Well I finally get some respite! Gautam came back from India today, I talked after a long time (some sense that is). Sahil's coming back tomorrow. Phew!! Anyway, the best part is......its AUSSIE OPEN time and I'm watching te matches on P2P. heheh Piracy zindabad!!!

It snowed today!!! yay!! but it got so damn cold, im wearing two socks and I'm still freezing. I want hot coffee. I want hot pakoras. I want a job. I want chutney. I want mommy and daddy!!

:-(

ooooo, Hewitt and Gonzalez playing...yay..byee

later

Breakthrough

I have been staying alone for FOUR months now, and seriously life teaches a lot of lessons. I'm so sure that as I get back home I am going to be a different person in terms of outlook, confidence and maturity. I have seen and met so many different 'species' of people here who also in a way make me realise of what I am and who I deserve to be. I have indeed become more positive towards life and I have definitely become calm.

But I'm slightly baffled and bored out here especially because all my friends are away home. And I am here, listening to people's fantasies and burdens (which obviously have nothing to do with them). Sometimes I wish Nishant was here, so I could talk the way I want to and just speak nonsense......LOL, even the thought of it makes me laugh. He is one friend I don't ever wanna lose, he is indeed my best friend since 7-8 years now. hope it stays forever. cheers buddy!!

I am bugged here but I still like it coz I spend time with myself and watch loads of movies and hear lots of good music, I even do a lil jig at times. hehe. I don't wanna crib and complain about spending time in Stirling, as this is the only thing left in the world for some folks out here. It just makes me pull my tongue out. I love Stirling, I chose to leave my country and come here. Learn to Live.

Anyways, I forgot to mention my London and Cardiff trip, I will write all about it in my next post.

cheers mates!!

Forgotten

This is one thing I never wanted to happen. My Blog has become so lame, hardly write up and I hardly visit it. Ahh. No, I'm not going to let this happen. I will revamp it and I will keep coming back to it to update it. Yes!!

Maybe it will be changed after this post. Anyways, Sooooo I'm in London, big deal!!! But hey London's cool, all that's missing is people. I don't have anyone to see London with but I've still managed somehow. One can go crazy with shopping here, that is if you're a rich dads kid or if you own the Bank of England. But I shopped, loads of stuff and now I don't have extra bags to carry it all the way to Stirling. I wanna show Neha everything I shopped!!

After been shopping I have realised one thing that I have become a bag-a-holic, i just love bags now. I own 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, oh fuckerrr sevenn bags nowww. shit. But in my defense I had got 3 from India. the last one I bought (ie, today) was H&M and its pink and its cuteee!! I was so chirpyy the entire day. Also I have realized how much I miss Stirling, Lyon Crescent, House 7, House 8....ahhh!! I'm anyways into the whole mode of missing Delhi since almost 3 and a half months now, so I've got used to it but Stirling I never knew I'll miss so much. The day after everybody's last exam we had such a nice time. I miss 'Fix You'.

*sigh* So how is London anyway?? I think I can fill pages writing about the whole 'nitty-gritty' of it but in a nutshell- London's good, I am a liiiiitttle uncomfy with the new people around, And I am not good at new company, I take ages to open up and get into 'conversation'. Meeting Gauravs (jiju) friends Shantanu and Anchal was fun. I am kiiinnnda looking forward for new years eve. I hope I get good drunk so people don't realize I'm there. One more thing, Indian Men (well at least some of them) with hard core British accent seem so gayyy!!! ugh!!

Christmas was great, we had a nice English Christmas dinner and I got loads of gifts, was overwhelmed but hehehehe--greedyy!!! thanks!!

Well, Another 9 days till I get back to Stirling. Another 3 days till I get to Cardiff. I know that later I will be looking back at these days and wondering how time flew but for now I wana get home. I wana be by myself, talk to neha, gaurav, mum n dad nicely. Till then I'm not doing much, just using, no! OVER-using my laptop, actually I need a life coz I'm popping into random peoples profiles. I cant believe I've had such loser friends in my college days, yuck!! How convenient has it become for people to be lame and selfish these days. lol. But I'm happy I have a few good friends with me still.

I guess its getting really long now and I need to find new templates for the blog.

laterrr (soon!!) *what an oxymoron*

ज़िन्दगी बड़ी होनी चाहिए, लम्बी नहीं!!!

Today I learnt new things about myself. I had my first exam here, I did prepare but it was a disaster, well thats what I think. Anyway, that gone I had newer things to deal with. I talked to Dad and till that moment I had never realised how much I love him. So much that theres no bound, I just love him (this is not new ofcourse but suddenly had this outburst going on). Mom is my sweetheart! I thought of all those times when I used to crib on small things and waste my days, life is so short to live all those moments. Each day something happens which is special. I don't think anyone should waste days.

If I havent still said enough, I wanna say again. I love you Mom and Dad!!!

Long time, yet again!!

There are a lot of things keeping me busy these days, seriously a lot of things! I did not have time to even think of stuff I could write in my blog, but since this is a part of my life now, decided to shell out at least 5 minutes to it today and obviously I am taking more time than that. Anyway, Stirling is treating me well. It snowwwweeeeeeeeeeeeddd here!!! awesome, amazing, lovely, etc etc. I'll add a pic too in the end of this blog.

Heard about Mumbai yesterday, felt so disgusted at those bloody damn terrorists, they should be handed over to the people and beaten to death. And bomb their home. kill everyone!

A few days ago I realised that I have indeed grown up here, as in learnt to deal with things. Trust me living alone helps. In the past, I had cribbed about things I had to let go, I did not think at those moments but what I think the most difficult thing to do is live without family, everything else is just nothing! Life really moves on. Somehow, I think I do not think as much as I used to back home, I used to eat my own head on small matters, here I don't, maybe coz I don't have much time and maybe no one is self-centered. I had made some wrong choices in choosing friends in my college, and because of that I had not realised that i gave up being 'ME'. People turned me into something else or maybe I never looked back at that time. Today is different, I know who I am and who I was.

-----
I am eagerly waiting for Neha and Gaurav to come here and visit me, we'll go nuts with shopping. Shoes, shoes and more shoes, I know she'll love it. I want Mom and Dad to come during my convocation.

The big news is- I am going to LONDON on 19th Dec, yayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!. Christmas and New Years both there. Though I know I'll miss a hell lotta people these days but I think thats ok. But I wish Neha too was there. :-(
I miss my blog so much these days, as soon as my exams end, I'll revamp this whole place up. I'll put in a new template and I'll keep updating about london from there. yay, i'm so excited!!

later
*mwah*

oops I almost forgot, here is a picture of snow, from my room window

Its a new day everyday!

Most of the times I begin my blog by saying 'uh long time' but seriously haven't been writing so much. There is so much to say and so much to share.

Its so strange when at one point of time we sit and think how difficult things would get if this happens in our life. We all are so used to our lives that we cant perceive changes, we want our life to be like that. period.

But I never knew change could be so nice. It is important. I am saying this because I am loving the time I am spending in Stirling. Its new, its nice, its what I never thought could be. Though i miss home, ma and papa, neha and gaurav. Its hard but its ok. There are some people I wanna thank who taught me how to live when loved ones are not around, even if it was the hard way.

What i love about Stirling is that it has brought a change in me, I don't portray anything here, I don't have to make anyone happy, I don't have to pretend anything. I have left some things behind and I am walking a straight line here. I do feel bad for a few things I left behind. A friendship that was based on fragile grounds, though I miss it at times, was baseless- I didn't know. I didn't know a lot of things back then.

But its a new day, I wanna live every moment of it, who knows if they'll ever come back!?!

We do not remember days; we remember moments.
~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand

Cheers!!

I was just wondering the other day the time when I actually stood at the airport door and turned around to say BYE. I went in and knew I wont step back home in another year. THAT WAS IT!

Today, I realise how big that was!! Home is everything!

Its getting comfortable here, everyday. We had a Diwali party yesterday, it was nice, though I got pissed at one point of time. Some people just bullshit about any shit! But otherwise it was nice, Indian tradition!! And good Food!! Shit I'm gonna miss Diwali.... :-(

November is going to be hectic for me, I have so much work to do and so much study, exams are also nearing. crap! My sleep cycle is totally fucked up, I sleep at 3 am get up at 2 pm, or else if I have class at 9, I hardly sleep for 4 hrs a day, though I get a sound sleep. aaah!

Its good to experience the world all by yourself here, we see how people change in freedom, how some use it and some misuse it. How some flaunt what they don't even have, and some flaunt all they have. How some limit themselves to circumferences to be 'cool'. How some forget their nationalities and how some stand still. Its a strange world out here. But in the end, its all about how you are and how you see it! God knows whats happening! But I still like it, there are good people here as well.

so back to, cheers!!

2 months almost!

Can't believe how fast that was!

My frequency of blogging has become so low here, I don't get time. Not that I'm busy or something, and neither that I'm not, ugh (well I've recently come to know I've got this vivid foot in mouth syndrome, so sorry bout that). Anyway!

Its nice here, I like it but sometimes I get sad, I miss home! and sometimes I sing those lines from the song Yellow, 'when you get what you want, but not what you need'.

shit i dunno what else to write!!!!!

crap..

Down the line...

I almost complete 1 month here in Scotland and i don't even realise that. I talked to mom n dad that day, they said it seems as if you are gone for ages! For me? well, it seems time literally ran the fastest in my entire life. I have made some friends here and I am purposely not writing 'good' in front of it. Not because they are not good, but only because they are.

I just hope what I say does not change with perception (not necessarily mine). It might sound too soon to say this, but I'll cherish these days always.

I am getting to think these days that sometimes you know something that exists but you never cross your line and get to the core just because you want them to be realised by themselves. hmm! Lemme leave it just about there. I have a fragile mind.

It could be nice, I know that it 'would be'. But sometimes life is complex.

♥

Des-var-lecker (that was yummy!)

It’s good that I share my Uni accommodation with foodies. I really gel well with all of them, good people. Touch wood!!

It was a German food weekend. We had German starters, German main course and German alcohol with loads of German fun. Last weekend was Chinese. Maybe next week is Indian. I am a little lazy, oh boy!

I have become the ‘chana dal’ queen here and I’m gradually starting to cook it just like mom. I made Rainer taste it, the German housemate, he simply loved it. Everybody is curious here about India. Mark,, the Chinese guy, got scared when my pressure cooker whistled that day. Lol. Shine loves me, hehe, she keeps kissing me and keeps saying “Pleeyaanka! I love you”. Ok don’t get any ideas!!! She’s just adorable. Richard is nice as well, he doesn’t talk much.

I miss home a lot, I get so sad when I wonder that I won’t see mom n dad for 1 year. I so wish they come here. I want to go shopping with Neha here, she’ll love the place. Wanna go clubbing with Gaurav. Shit man I miss them!! I miss Kalkaji, Select city walk,, BIG CHILL!!!!

Anyway, I was bored a few days back here so I borrowed this ‘sho-shweet’ movie from a friend, Monster Inc. I hadn’t watched it before so got ma hands on it. Adorable again! Better than all animations I have watched.

It’s late, I have an early lecture tomorrow. So I’ll pack-up. Though this is a word doc as I don’t have 24 hr internet access, I just have to copy paste this file on the blog.

I know!!! I need a life.

Later

The Dusk and the Dawn


A window slightly open, a long glass of juice, despite the crappy cold, my hands smelling of lemon after the dishwash and here I am listening to an unknown song but loving it at the same time. It’s been long since I felt a sudden rush inside me, today is the day, maybe because I am alone and maybe because of something that paid me a visit unexpectedly. By visit I mean ‘in my mind’.

Something.

This something makes me write this way, obscured and blurred but also coming out exactly the way I want it to. At times I am okay with the whole idea of not speaking words that touch me deep down inside (deep deep down). There are some wishes I crave for, no bounds!

Today, there were some things said and I still behaved they were unheard, because it takes me back to square one. “I don’t wanna run away, I don’t wanna be alone”. I don’t know if all of this is making me sense but that is how I feel today.

When at times I look at the sun, I feel happy for the brightness but here I miss sunshine, I really do! From dusk till dawn, it’s all the same-glum! Trying to settle here and make a space comfortable for myself. I wish I stay happy here.

Happy sunshine to all those back in India.

P.S. - It’s really hard when someone comes and says ‘I miss you’.

The Heart of Scotland!

The day I reached this little county of Stirling, I freaked out and cried for almost 1 hour cribbing to have made such a crappy decision of studying so far off. The plane journey was nice; it almost made me overcome my fear (a lil bit), landing at London was nicer, then I got lost in the beauty when I took the drive from Edinburgh airport to Stirling. But I knew something is going to go wrong man!

The place is undoubtedly a heaven on earth, but it’s so damn quiet that the silence nearly kills you. I went up to my room and lost control, I wanted to run away as soon as possible. But then I heard some voices and I figured it was Hindi. I found almost 20-30 neighbours who are Indians and they’re all wonderful people. Then I gained a little strength to bear what I was about to tour.

So all the anxiety over, the University has took off, it’s an amazing campus and doesn’t really look like a college, it’s more of a café. I had my first induction interview with the course director, it went real well. I am eager to start with my classes which push off this Monday. It gets really exciting to live in a cottage and make your own food, do all the household chores. We go ‘Ration’ shopping together and we walk like 4 kms everyday. Phew! And everyday after dinner we guys make a point to meet up in someones house and chat since theres no other mode of entertainment left for any of us. Its fun!

I don’t’ really have internet at home but would soon get one but the campus is wi-fi and it’s easy to access internet in between lectures. We have a new fundoo way of learning here. Everythings online and that includes our lectures as well. Looking forward to all these new techno stuff.

So, everythings back on track and will write-up back soon!

Phoren..

Its time to say goodbye to New Delhi, to India, just for a while. Its so damn hard that I have been avoiding the whole ordeal to think about it. And I am putting my head into nonsensical things like Doomsday by LHC that has been buzzing around. I know nothing would happen, but I'm just thinking to keep my mind off other stuff. By the way according to India TV, Doomsday should have already happened. I sometimes feel like slapping that news channel, they create an unnecessary panic.

Hmm, so in 2 days from today I'll be in another country, actually in the plane ( I hate the idea of it too). Im going 'Phoren'. yay! Some padosi aunties were curious so they asked me beta kahan jaa rahe ho, I said Scotland UK...and they made confused faces wondering if I was going to two places at the same time.

Anyway, the news channels are going crazy with Doomsday news, I have heard so many dates when the world will end or was about to end. I think God will also get confused now. We know the certainty of our death is same every year, 1 in 365, what we don't know is the exact day. So we should all CHILL! We will only die when we overcome death. I actually saw this one some random forum so blabbed it out.

Otherwise in plain words, we are all too busy to die!

So saying goodbye to family and friends and all bloggers!
I'll catch up back soon.

Sayonaara.
BRB!