Tuesday, February 05, 2008


I have attempted to start this blog with a million lines, none of it looking good and none of it meaning what I really feel like writing. This is TAKE 15:

Year after year, change from a school to college, from college to professional places of work, have all taught me new things, made me learn myself, and lately I learnt something new about myself- My subservience...

There are some who know they can be influential and some who are no great shakes. I don't blame anyone for directing others on what's right or what's wrong. I don't blame anyone for circumscribing a definite set of convictions they feel is important for people to follow. I don't cry and crave all my life waiting for a helping hand to tell me why 'this and that' is happening in my life. I simply don't wait for stuff to happen. It happens.

I don't need a list of do's and don’ts to make me like someone. I don't need price banners and name-tags to rate people as wanted or unwanted. I don't see a self-stereotyped image in front of me waiting just for me to come and judge it. I don't hate someone and like them the next moment just because they did something that fell in my "do's" list. I don't like someone because they mentioned a few good words and hate them the next moment because they did something in my "don’ts" list.

It's pretty easy to be influential but it’s hard to require an influence.

It's not as easy as it looks.

I have been a rigid one when it comes making myself understand. Never had the guts to say what I want to, always been trying to make others comfortable- some who are influential and some no great shakes. It has indeed been my fault. My subservience. I don't really ask for compliance with me. Neither have I felt small in front of anyone, as the simple saying goes I am what I am. I was never this before, I was everything but distressing on simple small matters. Now I get thinking. Why??

Am I stupid? Does anyone even know me? Do I need a miracle to support me on something I wish, that someone is there? Will I always be the same me- nodding my head to what people say and following them so that everything is simple? Will I always look for a way without reason to show someone I am something too? Will I keep trying hard not to be me but everyone else around me so that one starts looking at me differently? Why doesn't doing something on my own make me feel proud? Why do I feel I'm nothing when I'm me? Does not writing what I really believe and writing what I see make all the difference for me? Will making others understand and does showing them I care makes everyone forget I need it the most? Do I need a conscience which is my best friend? Do I need to show the world that I'm something when I'm actually not? Do I have to confide in others to know about myself? I hope no one reads this part because I don't have the guts and understanding to answer these questions.
I am nothing but NOTHING.

There is a desire to shift towards something to change for the better. I don't need that desire. I intend to call it as synonymous with a disease, Influenza, because we have to learn to stand for ourselves. No one's your friend here. I despise those who think it's their world to make and break. Be yourself.

I need to be more of me now. It's time!

(P.S.- the last thing I wanted was this in yellow)